12 Anthony Davis Conspiracies That Could Have Been
The New Orleans Hornets have “earned” themselves the #1 overall pick in the 2012 NBA Draft, and the masses are calling conspiracy. The NBA guaranteed Tom Benson, who recently purchased the team, that if he bought the club he’d be assured Anthony Davis. It’s obvious, I mean, as clear as day. Just as clear as all of these blatant conspiracy theories that would have been brought to light if any of the other lottery teams had landed the spot. Let’s go one by one, shall we…
The Charlotte Bobcats – 25.0% – Umm, ever heard of MJ? The Godfather? The league needs MJ, MJ needs Anthony Davis. At least throw me some smoke and mirrors Mr. Commish, this is embarrassing.
The Golden State Warriors – 3.6% chance – I mean, this is obviously a rig job. The Golden State Warriors are building a new stadium on the San Francisco Waterfront which will be ready in 2017. Anthony Davis is certainly going to be the only star to come out of the NBA Draft between now and then; Stern had to act quickly.
The Washington Wizards – 19.9% chance – The Anthony Davis to D.C. conspiracy may go beyond the NBA Offices, all the way to the White House. President Obama knows that Davis may be his only hope of generating bi-partisanship, and winning the up-coming election. Republicans and Democrats have never been further apart, and if anyone can connect the two sides its Anthony Davis; just look what he was able to do with his eyebrows…
The Cleveland Cavaliers – 13.8% chance – Cuz LeBron’s a jerk, that’s why.
The Sacramento Kings – 7.6% chance – Kings Ownership wants to move the club, and we know the League cant bare to have a team leave this major market.
The Brooklyn Nets – 7.5% chance – New location, new colors, and a Hip-Hop Mogul at the helm create the perfect storm of suspicion. Not to mention the Nets’ are owned by a Russian, and we all know how they do business…
The Toronto Raptors – 3.5% chance – I’m not going to lie, if anything Stern would rig the draft to make sure the Raptors don’t get the 1st pick. Canada sucks.
The Detroit Pistons – 1.7% chance – The heart of the nation. America’s charity case. A blue collar player like Davis to a blue collar city like Detroit would be a dream come true. I can just see Stern conjuring up this scheme with the instrumental of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” bumping through his ‘Beats by Dre’ headphones.
The Portland Trail Blazers – 0.8% chance – Obviously David Stern doesn’t want to stick his must-watch rookie way out in Portland freakin’ Oregon, which is precisely why he would give the Blazers the 1st overall selection. Whether it is Bowie over Jordan or Oden over Durant, the Blazers have a history of screwing up #1 picks worse than any other team in NBA history. Stern can give the pick to the Blazers, watch them take a flyer on some foreign project, let Davis go to the #2 team (which he’s obviously manipulated) and avoid any and all suspicion. Brilliant, I must say.
The Milwaukee Bucks – 0.7% chance – The potential nickname of “Milwaukee’s Best” for Anthony Davis would be cross promotional gold for the NBA and The Miller Brewing Company. Follow the money trail people, follow the money trail.
The Phoenix Suns – 0.6% chance – According to Shaq, amongst others, the NBA basically gave Steve Nash two NBA MVP Awards because he’s white. While why stop there? Obviously Stern wants to get the Great White Hope a ring before he hangs it up, and what better way to do that than pairing him up with the draft’s best player?
The Houston Rockets – 0.5% chance – Rockets are out of vogue right now. I mean, even NASA stopped building ‘em. Anthony Davis is the only hope of saving this franchise, and potentially the US Space Program as well, which would keep alive David Stern’s dream of putting an expansion franchise on the moon.
There they are, 12 other conspiracies for the 12 other teams in the lottery. Any way you slice it, David Stern is diabolical, sinister and downright sickening. Now, if you excuse me, there is an X-Files marathon on Sci-fi right now, and my DVR is full…