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2011 Can’t End Fast Enough

It’s barley a week old and I already want it over, and I’ll tell you why

SNOOKI

 Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi
Toby Canham, Getty Images

She has written a book, about what? Her life? No. Filming of her TV Show? No. A do-it-yourself guide to Ompa Lumpa costumes? Sadly no – she wrote a work of fiction. Yes the orange chick who talks about binge drinking and hooking up at length, wrote a novel; the book is titled “A Shore Thing”.

Where did she pull the knowledge to write this book? I know what you’re thinking – well admittedly the only 2 books she has read her entire life, Dear John and Twilight.  With Such master pieces in her head, rattling around her brain like loose change in your pocket, she was ready to go.  Now all she needed was to write her book, or yell at someone to write down her crap ideas, and some how making a story of it.  I’d rather be responsible for cleaning Betty White’s toilet on taco Tuesday at the Old Folks home.

What’s this book about you ask? Well it’s about a chick trying to hook up in a beach town. I know – what a literary stretch for Snooki. She will surely go down as the Mark Twain of the Jersey Shore community.

I looked at portions of this book, and it’s a Twilight and Jersey Shore drunken dumpster fire of a mess.  Characters with names like Gia, Bela and Hot Guy. I mean what well thought out characters, they have 10 times the depth then anything written by Hemingway. I’m kidding. The crap I just took in through my eye holes makes me wish I was illiterate. Something about dancing so long and hard that she could cut salami on his abs. The thing reads like a bar menu.  People slamming shots and grinding on each other isn’t interesting in person, let alone in book form. I’d rather eat the contents of a street garbage can in Times Square, then read any more of this crap.

Bottom line, if you see this amongst your girlfriend’s books, you need to stand up, look her in the face while you pull out your cell phone, and delete the hell out her contacts. This book is so bad I want to go back in time and stop Gutenberg from ever inventing the printing press. I want 2011 to end just so I can put as much distance between me and this book as possible.

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