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Fear the ‘Stache

For long the mustache has been associated with strong performance – and not just in porn. In sports too.  Last night, Brandon Dubinsky, energized by his newly-grown upper lip fur, threw home the winning goal in a Rangers 3-2 win over the Capitals.  Just another example in the long standing history of the mustache’s mystical power.

***Make sure to check out the links to see the magnificently groomed mustaches I couldn’t fit into the post***

The first example of the ‘stache’s considerable effect that jumped to my mind was the lush wonder that was Jason Giambi’s.  We should all remember the 2008 Yankee campaign.  Giambi started the season hitting at an abysmal clip of .191.  However, after throwing up the soup strainer, Giambi began blowing it up at the plate.  He raised his batting average seventy points and slugged over thirty home runs in a near all-star campaign – to say nothing of the cultural impact.  Sure, some credit could go to his talent – but I think it’s mostly due to the formidable ‘stache.

There are even better examples going back in time.  Two other Yankees grew the ‘stache with great success.  Both Mattingly and Munson rode the lip fur to all-time Yankee careers.  Other great baseball ‘staches include Goose Gossage’s wide-set upper-lip to chin edition.  Also checking in is Rollie Fingers.  Fingers sported the greatest handle bar mustache that side of Dustin Hoffman in ‘Hook.’ Fingers and Gossage?  Hall of famers.

Jed Jacobsohn, Getty Images

Andy Reid is the greatest NFL coach to have never won the Super Bowl, and is one of many  who have rocked the mustache to great success.  Not only has his walrus-esq ‘stache helped him guide the Eagles to multiple division titles, several NFC championship games and a Super Bowl, but it also makes for some fantastic eye candy on an otherwise dull sideline.  The walrus by the way, has it’s own impressive mustached history like no other animal can offer (Coo coo ca choo…Coo coo. Ca Choo).

Adam Morrison?  While he was making it rain at Gonzaga he was sporting a rather patchy, yet notable mustache.  How about Hulk Hogan?  Hulkamania has dominated professional wrestling for decades now.  Each match he’s won has featured that glorious right-angled moustachio.  There’s nothing the ‘stache can’t dominate.  Except Rocky (for those of us lucky enough to remember Rocky III).  The Italian Stallion is the only force in this universe more powerful than the mustache.

Donald Miralle, Getty Images

Luckily, this next gentlemen never had to face Mr. Balboa.  Still, I’m not sure even Rocky could defeat the lavish cookie duster that graced the upper lip of Dale Earnhardt Senior for his racing career – a career that included a Daytona 500 win, over 70 cup series wins and seven Winston Cup Championships.  Check and Mate.

I submit it for your approval, the appearance of Brandon Dubinsky’s Mario-esq lip decoration and his game winning goal last night is no mere coincidence, but yet another example of the regal history in mustache dominance. So remember kids, wherever you are, whatever the situation, FEAR THE ‘STACHE.

For more mustache information, visit americanmustacheinstitute.org

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