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Fish in the Adirondacks – More Dumb Questions

 

People continue to ask me questions about camping that would make Rain Man laugh. But I feel the need to make fun of those questions and prevent you from asking the same ones in front of your friends and looking like a dork in the woods. Plus I hope making fun of these people will get me a new girl friend. (Fingers Crossed)

Toby Canham, Getty Images

 One that looks like this

 

Any who. Lets get started with the first question that not even a baby who was raised by wolves would ask (well maybe he would but I don’t speak wolf).

Will Ragozzino, Getty Images

Can I Eat That- No….. No……NOOOOOOOOO. What the hell is wrong with you, walking around trying to eat things you found on the ground, are a dog? Are you Homeless? This is a one way ticket to hanging out with River Phoenix (FORGET you it’s been long enough to make a River Phoenix joke).  Here is a little word of advice if you aren’t 100 percent sure you can eat what you found in the woods……DON’T. I love my friends I camp with but I don’t trust there knowledge of Indian Cucumber and Sweet moss when it comes down to eating crap I find on the trail. Besides there is a 75 percent chance of the stuff you find that you can eat will give you the massive diarrhea anyway.

Stephen Shugerman, Getty Images

Are there Mice out Here? – Yes, I don’t want to name names so lets call her Shelby. Shelby comes up to me and asks me while we are camping whether or not there are mice in the woods I respond with “probably it is the woods”. It’s at this point she starts freaking out and wants to go home ending any chance I had of making out with her (and she looked super cute in her North Face Fleece).  

Why people are surprised that the woods one of the oldest habitats in the history of the planet has small animals (mind you animals that can’t hurt you in it). That’s like being surprised you ran into a fat person on a scooter at Wal-Mart.  There probably are mice and chipmunks right at your feet (funny how girls have no problem with a small animal if it has a history of singing Christmas carols).  Mind you girls also think that every spider is going to kill them and that every baby is cute, regardless of how much it looks like a foot.

Oli Scarff, Getty Images

Where’s the Bathroom – Before you crazy internet people crawl up in my sh-t and start raising a stink about me already talking about it let me explain. I’m Lazy and feel like making fun of these people some more.  I hope that’s good enough for you because frankly I couldn’t care less. Email all complaints to Alanfish@1045theteam.com There now untwist your panties and listen up. 

No matter where you’re camping and what your arrangement is, if you bring a newbie with you into the woods the question “Where is the Bathroom?” will come up. Even if you hiked 3 miles through thick brush to get to the spot, even if you where helicopter in  to a remote lake in the middle of virgin wilderness, and even if your on island in the middle of a 12 canoe trip “where is the bathroom?” will be asked. I like the freedom my self of peeing anywhere and everywhere I choose. Now I understand with women it’s different (I really don’t understand I’m just saying it to look cool). They need a set spot to hunker down, but still it’s the freaking woods where else are you going to have the freedom to pop a squat any where you want. Well besides Kegs and Eggs in Albany.

Those are some stupid questions I’ve answered if one of your friends asked a stupid question email it to Alanfish@1045theteam.com and ill make sure to make fun of them next time.

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