People are always asking me what I should do if I see a bear in the woods. Well I’m tackling it this week. Wait no not the bear, which would be suicide. I meant the issue, I’m tackling the issue.

There are 2 schools of thought when you come across a bear in close proximity. I’m only telling you what to do at that point, because if you see a bear 200 yards away run the other freaking way.

Play dead- I’ve never had to do it, but if you lay motionless on the ground the bear is inclined to think you are no longer a threat to its giant stock pile of honey pots. This is the act I would lean towards, I mean come on its simple its fast and it is effective in movies, and we all know that movies only show us things that really work ( like the time I ran across America cause I felt like running and they made me CEO of Apple).  Bear Grylls said it’s an effective way to get out of bear encounter safely, and his name is freaking BEAR GRYLLS.

Make Your Self Big- “That’s what she said” I know right. This is the Johnny Knoxville approach to bear attack survival but it is listed as an effective way (no I’m not lying).  Just stand on your tippy toes with your arms out and scream while looking angry.  I would tend to stay away from this one, unless you want your mid section to look like a spaghetti strainer that some fat guy sat in.

 Bonus: Bear Mace-  If you’re extremely paranoid with being in the woods and you think you need a weapon to feel safe. Dear lord you shouldn’t be in the woods let alone have a gun (you’ll end up shooting a park ranger instead of Yogi). Bear mace is an effective weapon for you and the rest of your girlyman friends.  Honestly if you camping with someone who brings this, take it away from them and give them a whistle, that’s about all I trust them with.

Never Fight the Bear- I know fighting a bear sounds like a good time but we all don’t have the super human strength of Abe Lincoln. You would be so dead so quick it wouldn’t be funny. Well it would be for me while I’m playing dead next to you while the bear munches on your face like it’s a hot pocket.

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