Today I was up early eating a hearty breakfast reading the internet to get my daily fix of hilarious news when I stumbled across a story so shocking, so appalling, so badly tanned it had to involve the “Jersey Shore”. 

I happened upon Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino’s demands for doing live club appearances. Its start out rather mundane with request for Red Bull and some high end Vodka that only can be order if you have a fake tan and a blow out. I had no problem with this, when I do live appearances I request a cold beer or two, I usually have to pay for mine but that neither here nor there.  It was at this point I was thinking maybe he isn’t the douche he seems to be on TV.   It was then I found the true comedy gold that drove me to write this story. 

“No one should speak to or make direct eye contact with The Situation. The Situation should be marked as Trademarked on all publications. The Situation will be provided with private security from the air port when he arrives till the time he departs” 

Hold the freaking phone. People aren’t allowed to look him in the eye, who does this guy think he is Andy Dick. Now I’ll admit I have a hard time making eye contact with waitresses, Homeless people, cab drivers, and the Lady with  the mole on here face that looks like Australia at the Golden Coral, but I would never insist my readers not look me in the eye ( I would think it would be implied by my greatness).  This is a king-o-the-Douches move; I mean you’re famous for getting drunk and having sex with a Umpa Lumpa. You have done slightly less work then those crazy talking twin babies I see all over the internet for your fame. 

And you’re trade marking “The Situation” really? What’s next is Dj Pauly Dee (who is in his 30’s and just moved out of his parents house) going to trade mark the term “Waste of Life”. This is like if I trade marked the smells that come out of me when I eat a bowl of chili and a fiber bar for dinner (it smells kind of like a dairy farm if it was next door to a land fill).  Congratulations you have a 6 pack of abs or what ever, but if you really want to impress me, Get a G.E.D. and get stared on your next career “Mop boy at the Adult Book Store”. 

Last but not least we reach the Security thing. Do you really need security at every moment of your live appearance?  You can’t manage to get to and from the airport with out armed guards. Last I checked the only people I’ve seen with security 24-7 were the Pope, and the President and I pray to God that they have more influence on people then you and you’re stomach. What are you afraid of? You can only catch hepatitis once my friend, and trust me know one cares enough about you to try and kill you, I mean even guys like Mark David Chapmen have standards. 

In closing Mr. The Situation®, enjoy the last few ticks of your 15 minutes of fame, you didn’t earn it but go and enjoy it.