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BBQ’s are a great time if you aren’t a huge buzz kill. There is a list of proper etiquette that will make sure that you don’t drop the party from fire hot to room temperature.

Crazy Dog


Dogs are fine if they are chill and well behaved, but a lot of people have the face licking slobber machine that wants to eat everything in sight. I’m glad I spent 2 days marinating the ribs so your dog can knock them off the table and eat them while you stand there and yell “Bad Dog” 15 times.  If you think you have a well behaved dog think to yourself “can you have a 5 minute conversation with friends with out yelling more then 3 times at your dog because he is rolling in something?”  Nothing kills a party then a dog that jumps up and “accidentally” punches me in the bean bag.  

Weird Food


 Some people take outdoor BBQ’s as a great time to show off what they learned in a night time cooking class. So they fling their slop together in a bowl microwave the salmonella right into it and drop it off on the table like we know what the hell it is.  Then 2 hours into the party they will come up and ask did you enjoy what I brought (like going to eat something that looks like she dragged out of the Hudson).

 I don’t car that you found a great new school way to make 3 bean salad with no beans. I don’t care that you want to be the next Emerald.  If you bring something that requires wheat grass and mayo and fluff be prepared to get “BAMED” up side the head with insults

Overly Complicated Games


 There are a ton of expectable out door games from Can Jam to Beer Shoes, why do you have to go ruin such a good time with you game that involves a picnic table, 10 people, a priest, a pogo stick, and a wild turkey. When people are drinking all day simple is better.

Again I don’t care that you learned a super fun game at your kids day camp, I’m a grown man with a belly full of Bud Light I don’t want to crawl around on the ground while people yell bible versus and toss waffle balls at me.  Stick to the standards and you’ll be ok. Other wise you’re going to end up playing with yourself and you can do that home.

Crazy Kids


If your kid is cool this doesn’t apply to you, but if your kid is like chucky on meth you need to find your self a baby sitter.  Its bad enough I have to explain to my peers why I’m not wearing pants launching bottle rockets at row boat full of gasoline, let alone your nosey kid.   Listen; just because I haven’t made a mistake that takes up 90 percent of my life yet doesn’t make me responsible for yours.

I’m not a baby sitter; I’m one of the worst role models known to mankind. I once argued for 15 minutes with a child on why Elmo isn’t real. Long story short I won and there was some crying.

Super Cheap Beer


 If you are the guy that gathers money for a beer run be reasonable with your selection. If I give you 20 bucks for a Bud Light 30 rack don’t come back with 50 cans of Mountain Brew (the stuff taste like the bottom of a public garbage can). I don’t care if it’s cheaper. Busch Light is Cheaper but still expectable. It’s when you start thinking it’s the Great Depression and you have to get as much beer as you can to get us through the long winter. I will straight up open palm smack you in the forehead for your incompetence.  If I ask for Corona and you bring my Genny Cream Ale I will cup check you in front of your soon to be ex-girlfriend.  If you’re on beer run duty get the list unless someone has under paid you, then feel free to get them chaw spit in a bucket.

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