I was checking my email today and I stumbled across a letter from a special little lady. Long story short it was an email saying something about wanting to stay friends and see other people blah blah blah. Which made me think, not about how big of a jerk I am (that will never change….EVER), but about what is the worst way I’ve ever been dumped.

I know it’s hard to believe that a man of my stature has been dumped before, but I have, and more then once.  Many women on this planet from California to Maine and all places in between have left me by the curb like some old computer monitor.

What women doesn’t want fat hobo in their life.

Text Message- Yup, this way is gaining more and more steam as we power into the “my cell phone can do anything era”. This one is so impersonal that you might as well have written it on the back of a Chinese menu and slapped it on my windshield. I’m glad you finally learned how to use that cell phone I bought you for Christmas, but you would think with us living together, something like that could have waited until I got home.

You only breakup with someone via text message if you’re confident that you haven’t left anything important at their apartment. If you have left something important, kiss it goodbye.  That favorite t-shirt, and your original copy of “Dante’s Peak” on VHS, they're gone. It's all set ablaze by some crazy ex. Using a text break-up can nip a relationship in the bud (and maybe prevent that significant other from going though your trash). 

How could you hurt such a prized possession.

Facebook Post- Nothing says an intimate moment of personal tragedy like letting hundreds of my friends find out at the same time I do (if not before me). Oh yes, I’ve had this happen to me before. You log on at the end of the day and find out you were just dumped for not going to your ex-girlfriend's best friend's birthday party, and your mom thinks you’re a selfish jerk for not going. I loved it, she might as well have gone on there said something like “Alan, will fart at inappropriate times. Such as first dates, weddings, funerals and in bed."

 Just me being me baby.

If it is in any way your fault, every woman you know will think you’re a complete screw up, that is undeserving of getting another woman in the sack for the rest of his life. Even if you fight fire with fire you will still look like the jerk.  For example if she says “Alan made fun of my sister on her birthday” and I say “yah well you have an eating disorder” people will still think I’m the jerk.

And last but not least….

On My Birthday: What kind of heartless succubus would end a relationship during your birthday party? One who has been cheating on you for over a month. That’s who. Yes, on my 21st birthday I got the gift that no one wants (no, it's not another copy of monopoly), a cheating girlfriend. I also got a beer dispensing hat, but that's not part of the story, it's  just pretty cool.  The only good part of my birthday was that I had enough beer at the party to numb me. 

Yah that much.

Well I’ve left you my stories, and I’m sure that you have some of your own. Email me your bad breakup stories and have your chance to be in an upcoming article.