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The Super Survivor Guide: PART 2

Calling in sick to work is frowned upon to began with, and calling in to work sick after the Super Bowl is extremely frowned upon. That is unless you follow my fool proof plan on getting the day off to rest your Super Bowl hang over.

We all know it’s a move that takes a lot brass, calling in sick the day after the Super Bowl, and if you take a vacation day the Monday after the big game people think you’re an alcoholic.  Follow my 5 easy steps, and they might even have a party for your return.

Step 1 (Pick a Party) Odds are you work with someone who is having a party in their man cave.  Whether you like them or not agree to go and be super excited about the opportunity to see his new 32 inch Dura-Brand flat screen he picked up a hotel auction last week (It will have at least 5 dead pixels).  You’re not really going to the party so don’t worry about sharing the couch with his mom and 5 cats. Now really act excited about the party, offer to bring food and a couple of beers for the guys. Talk about the alternate half time show you want to watch, and even set up the Super Bowl Squares pool for the party.  Do this all week try to convince other coworkers to go who don’t really want to (make them look like a jerk for not going to this awful party you are promting).  Make it seem like you are the one having a Super Bowl Party at some other guy’s house (that may or may not smell like cat pee).

Catty Reflections
George Pickow, Getty Images

Step 2 (Acting)  So at this point you have been building this party up like Joe Montana is going to show up and have you guys run patterns in the front yard like your Jerry Rice. Today will be no different, except you’re coming down with something, and it is the bug to end all bugs.

I know what you are thinking “Alan what if I’m not really sick, how will I get them to buy into my plot?”. That’s easy my friend, go to the store and buy some horse radish and before you go talk to one of your coworkers rub a little under your nose, and the thing will be running like a college coed running away from Ben Rothlisberger. Also don’t shower before work, I know it sounds gross but stick with me here. If you don’t shower you’ll have the “I’ve been sick all night look” and if you get near me you’ll get it too.  At this point start talking who you’re not going out tonight and how you want to be healthy for the party (that you have no intention of attending).  And if you are feeling like you got a couple of bowling balls jammed in your pants tell your boss and check out early to rest up. Then proceed to go home take nap get cleaned up and hit the town.

Step 3 (Sympathy call) Call your coworker who is having the party the day before, say you just got back form the doctors and still feeling like crap but you are try to make it, he gave a bunch on antibiotics but you might be contagious for another couple of days. Also make sure  to list the awful symptoms you have been suffering from.  At this point fearing getting sick he will tell you either to stay home, or make it if you can.  He will have then written you off from the party so you are free to go drink your face off with your buddies.

Step 4 (the call in) Do it before you start drinking on Sunday.  This is the best time, your boss will not be in the office and it will go straight to voice mail, and if you did your job right  he will be attending the party of your coworker hearing everyone’s concern about you and your well being. Also make sure to send a email stating the exact thing you left on his voicemail, if there is any confusion he has to places to get the information from.

Step 5 (Enjoy) If you did all the steps correctly you are free to go nuts

Actor Nick Nolte
The California Highway Patrol, Getty Images

 and have the night you have always wanted to have during the Super Bowl without the fear of looking like you got beaten by 15 little leaguers with waffle ball bats on Monday at work. Then Take Monday to tell your self 15 times “that you’ll never drink like that again”. Just make sure when you return to keep your story straight. Besides I bet that cat pee guy’s party was super lame any way.

Use this system and you will be  living like a king. Use it wisely I have sacrificed my ability to use the system by writing about it. So if you do use it have one for me.

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