Tyrann Mathieu & Weed: The Odd Couple
As you’ve probably already heard, Tyrann Mathieu was arrested for possession of stinky green yesterday, yet another bizarre twist in what has been a sad and cloudy year for The Honey Badger.
Now, before everyone jumps down the guy’s throat like smoke from a bong, let’s look at this from his perspective. Sure Mathieu was kicked off the LSU football team for allegedly failing drug tests earlier this year, and yes he just recently was released from rehab. We all know how all of this has cost him millions of potential rookie dollars in the NFL, on top of possibly ending his college career. But does he know that? I mean, let’s be honest: the guy was pretty baked the whole time that was going down, maybe he just kind of forgot.
Perhaps Mathieu isn’t actually a complete idiot who couldn’t lay off the sticky icky if his life depended on it (which, it kind of does). Maybe Mathieu is playing chess while we’re all playing checkers. Getting kicked off his team and having to sit out at least one full season was a terrible break that put his NFL future in serious jeopardy. But, now that he’s been arrested, he is guaranteed to have a roster spot on the 2013 Cincinnati Bengals. It appears that Mathieu may actually be the smartest guy in the room after all- although to be fair, most anyone sharing a room with Tyrann Mathieu is a complete burnout.
In all serious, The Honey Badger has a problem. He sucks at not smoking weed. Luckily for him I have a solution: California. The H-Badg shouldn’t be transferring to a Division 1-AA school, trying to get back into LSU, or testing the NFL waters right now; he should be taking his talents to USC or UCLA. In California you can smoke weed like every day was spiritual journey with Ricky Williams. All Mathieu has to do is convince a doctor he has anxiety issues, and what doctor wouldn’t believe him after they hear how many millions of dollars he’s managed to lose in such a short amount of time. He’d be given the “all you can eat buffet” of weed prescriptions on the spot!
So, in conclusion, we shouldn’t all come down so hard on The Honey Badger, we should try and understand his situation and help him through it. Because, after all, it’s not like he was doing drugs, he was just smokin’ some weed.