So you are about to camping with your buddies and you’re afraid of looking like a NEWB in the woods. Don’t worry I got your back unless you’re wearing a “Hello Kitty” back pack. In that case you’re on your own buddy.

The Wrong Sleeping Bag- I know you need a sleeping bag so don’t jump down my throat. What I’m saying is take in mind where you are camping and when you are camping. If its April make sure you know it can get down into the 20’s at night. So if all you brought was a flimsy fleece sleeping bag that says Mc Lovin on the side of it. Know it won’t cut the mustard when the mercury drops below 60 degrees. You’ll end up paying your buddies 20 bucks each to be the bread on each side of your bad decision sandwich. Likewise if you’re going in July, you’re going to want to leave the -30 Mummy bag at home, or you’ll be sweating like Vince Young in a spelling Bee.

Crocs- If you show up on a camping trip in these “I gave up on life” specials you better have some pretty freaking awesome excuse. Like “I sold my shoes to buy these 3 thirty racks” and even that will only fly till the beer is gone. These shoes came on like a plague, and they are lingering still to this day. I know they feel comfortable but you are going to look and feel stupid when you are constantly slipping and falling on your backside because they have no traction. If you want to feel comfortable, wear slippers when you go to the mall to buy some good shoe for camping you lazy jerk.

Your Pocket Dog- A dog in the woods can be a great time if it’s big enough to keep track of and stay out of trouble. Small dogs in the woods are like dating a stripper they are just super high maintenance. I don’t care if your dog gets wet, I don’t care what he is sniffing at, and I don’t care what he is rolling in. IT’S A FREAKING DOG, dogs got along just fine before your picked one up and jammed in your coach bag. If you are going to be as big of a mess as Kristie Allie when she misses her daily McRibb when your dog eats a fly, leave the freaking dog at home.

Your Cell Phone- Having a phone for emergencies if perfectly fine, but if you are addicted to texting and facebook turn that crap off and leave it in the car.  The Only Angry Birds I want to see are the ones that are pissed at me because I accidently casted my line into their nest.  The goal of camping is to relax and get away; if you are up dating your twitter every 30 seconds about your mosquito bites you are as clueless as Charlie Sheen at an AA meeting, when it comes to camping.

Your stupid questions- It’s great to ask questions in the woods, that’s how you learn, but if you start rattling off stupid ones you’ll end up left off the next events guest list.  Common ones are:

Where’s the bathroom?  I don’t know. Considering we drove 2 hours and we hiked 2 miles in for this awesome site away from people I’m guessing behind that big rock. You should know ahead of time that your are going to have to do your business like our ancestors. I believe most people call it the pop a squat approach to pooping.

Do we get service out here?  Read my cell phone rant…. And no we don’t

Are there bears? Yes there are so many bears there that I won’t be surprised if all of us become the beer version of a Chinese Buffet.

Do I have to put the worm on the hook my self? You can call your mom, but there is no service.

Now if you can restrain from doing all of this with out trying you are an ideal camper. If you feel like you need work at least you’re honest with your self. If you don’t see what the problem is with these things email me your information ( ) so I can never invite you to come with me.